it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
