Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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