I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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