toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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