new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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