so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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