My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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