She's like a pop up book from hell.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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