Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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