Cold hands, warm shart.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
