We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
