update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
