Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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