i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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