woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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