im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
