apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Mom said you looked used
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
