so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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