We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
