my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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