I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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