Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she smelled like a LAN party
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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