She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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