I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
