Your tits are I can't wait for
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
