I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
