i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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