Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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