You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
