Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
