I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you had me at cake vodka
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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