I seem to have left my pride at pride
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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