I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
