Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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