I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
