Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
