he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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