apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This house was built for laser tag.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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