mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
