things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
