can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
