I wish I only lived at night.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
