the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
