TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
