quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
