I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
