chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
