I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You are a genius and a whore.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
