I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
