Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
