I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
