he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i am craving dick and cupcakes
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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