your thong is hanging out like whoa
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
