And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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