these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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