Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
