I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
