wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
