We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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