I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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