I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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